Surviving When Love Dies

He looked down and depressed, as if his spirit was wounded. The spark was gone from his eyes, there was a slouch to his shoulders and he spoke in more of a monotone. He was physically and emotionally exhausted. Physically from a persistent illness that had badgered him for more than a month and from overwork at a demanding high pressure job, emotionally from a marriage that had been without love for far too long.

We talked for quite a while and he shared with me how difficult his home life had become. His wife had lost respect for him years earlier and by his account the vast majority of their communication, on the rare occasions there was any, was negative and demeaning. Intimacy had disappeared and been replaced by cold silence. While divorce would be in many ways welcome he was committed to his children and to his vows, so on he suffered.

I wanted so much to help him, to come up with some brilliant advice that could lift his spirits and bring hope, but found myself at a loss. What do you tell a man in this circumstance? Platitudes and trite phrases such as “Hang in there” or “It will get better” seemed so empty and inappropriate. I thought of what I knew about him. I knew he had a desire to be good, to do good and to be the man God wanted him to be, so I simply told him that while he may not be able to do anything about the feelings and attitude of his wife, he could still be good. He could honor God, with the hope that this life is not all there is and that someday he would stand before God knowing that God would know his heart and his effort.

I encouraged him to not deal with the pain alone, but to share with others that he was struggling and to ask others for their prayers and support. I hugged him and prayed for him before he left. The ache in my heart stayed throughout the rest of the morning. I think what bothered me the most was that both he and his wife profess Christian faith, they go to church and attend Bible studies, but the most important area of their lives, their marriage, is an empty shell. I wondered how many families I see were just like his, dying on the inside while putting up a façade for the outside world.

I wonder if there may be some who read this who are in a similar circumstance, trapped in unhappiness, feeling alone and unsupported. My prayer for you is the same as it was for him, May God give you wisdom and peace and strength to get through today, and the peace and strength to get through each day as it comes. May God give you encouragement and comfort in the knowledge that He understands and will always be with you.

• Bart

When Pastors Don't Believe in God

Sometimes pastors don’t believe in God. I don’t mean that they don’t believe in His existence or would deny that He is active in their lives. What they seem not to believe is in His greatness, His wisdom and in the way in which he accomplishes His plans. Sometimes they act as if they do not believe that God knows what He is doing.

From what I have observed, it seems church leaders have been taught such things as “the signs of a healthy church” and “strategies for growth” and “how to reach your community.” Instead of viewing these concepts as a source of ideas that may or may not fit God’s plan for their church, they use them as a measuring stick to determine whether or not their church is performing as it should. They check the boxes- If the church does not have the right demographic makeup, the right music, the correct percentage of young people, and the right programs, then God is not moving.

The response to this conclusion that God is not moving is to change the church. Gradual change, the kind that comes through relationships over time, is not acceptable. At times using a language of fear, leaders declare such things as “something has to be done” or “a generation is being lost,” implying that serious harm will come to our church and our culture if we do not act. The actions suggested are often superficial, focusing on décor, clothing and music styles. These changes are often associated with a watering down of the sermon content as the message is made more “accessible” to the lost and seeking. Implied in all of this is that whatever was happening before was not God’s doing, that God could not and would not work in such fashion, for if God was working, they would be able to see it and measure it.

This is what causes me concern. When I think of how God works I remind myself of the people He chose over the generations. He chose a nation of slaves to be His people. He led them out of bondage through an 80 year-old murderer shepherd named Moses. For their greatest king He selected another shepherd, this time the young boy David who was the runt in his family, who would later become an adulterer who schemed to kill a loyal friend. When He sent the Savior, God picked a virgin in a backwoods town who gave birth in a stable. For the proclaimers of His message he included uneducated fishermen and a hated tax collector, and ultimately filled their ranks with a murderous Pharisee. God has never worked in the way man would think! It seems to me that we like to talk about God moving in unpredictable and unorthodox fashion in the past tense but when it comes to the present day we like to be more in control. We need to see it!

I have witnessed the danger of putting God in such a box first hand. Years ago I was a candidate for a senior pastor position in south Orange County. It was a church of a few hundred people that had at one time numbered over 1200. Within 10 miles of the campus were two megachurches, Saddleback and Mariners, each with over 9,000 members. In the course of my interviews it became apparent that the search committee had reached the conclusion that these two churches had “figured it out,” that we needed to do whatever it was they had done to grow. I didn’t agree. When asked about my philosophy and approach I said, “We can’t try to be like Saddleback. Saddleback will always do Saddleback better than us. We can’t be Mariners, Mariners will always do Mariners better than us. We should try to be a place where the Bible is taught and taught well, trusting God to bring people to Himself.”

I didn’t get the job. They selected a more experienced pastor who had a vision for change and attracting younger people, someone who “knew” how God was moving. 18 months later the church went belly up. The pastor drove away the core of the membership with unwise changes. He did not believe that God could work in a unique way in each church, tried to implement a vision that did not fit, and as a result the church was ruined.

We need to believe in God again. We need to believe that even in a place where life is not obvious to our eyes, He may be working. We need to trust that He is the one who draws people, that His Spirit is the agent of change. We need to be patient, believing that God will, in His time and in His way, do His work in us. We need to reject the dangerous message that apart from us, God cannot reach the world, the belief that we are either the obstacle or the draw for people to come to God.

-          Bart

The Makings of a Perfect Christmas Present

 Christmas is a season of memories. A conversation with my daughter this week brought back a memory of one of the greatest gifts I ever received, the gift my father-in-law gave me on his last Christmas with us 10 years ago.

We were watching the movie “The Santa Clause” the other night. The scene came on where Charlie’s mom and her psychiatrist boyfriend Neil were discussing when they stopped believing in Santa. For each it was when they did not receive the gift that topped their lists one year. For her it was the board game “Mystery Date”, for him it was at the age of three when he did not get an Oscar Mayer Weinie Whistle. My daughter turned to me and Lisa and asked if we could remember not getting something we wanted as a child. My answer was, “I barely remember anything about Christmas as a child!” Lisa’s was, “I always got what I wanted.”

That truth about Lisa’s childhood has always amazed me. She was the youngest of four daughters in a home that was not wealthy. Neither her mom nor her dad ever made more than $50,000 a year in current dollars, and in fact made far less for most of their careers. There was a time when her dad worked two jobs to make ends meet. Nevertheless, when Christmas came the desired gifts always appeared. Chuck and Shirley Rehm loved their family and they loved Christmas. Two incredibly giving people found in Christmas the perfect opportunity to show their love.

I was the recipient of this love from the moment I joined the family, but the last Christmas present I received from my father-in-law showed his love in a special way. I had just moved into my new office and had decorated each room according to a theme. One of the rooms had a baseball theme, and I had seen a baseball bat hat rack available online. Bat handles were attached to a frame adorned with a baseball. I thought it looked cool and put it on my Christmas list.

I thought it would be a matter of simply ordering it online, but it was not that easy. It was out of stock and unavailable. Most people would have given up. Chuck Rehm was not most people. He decided to make one for me himself. He found a bat factory and bought some broken bats so he could use the handles. He needed a few more, so he fashioned additional bat handles on his lathe. He never played baseball or displayed any interest in the game but the handles he made were perfect. He cut wood to shape the frame, rounded the edge with a router and made two little four inch bats as accents. It was perfect.

He spent hours on that one gift. He did it simply because I had asked for it. He loved me, he had the skill to make it for me and the time to do it, so he made it. He did for me what he had been doing for his family his whole life. He put my desires ahead of his own. 

Four months after that Christmas he was gone. He had severe heart disease that required surgery. There were complications and he never made it off the table. I lost my hero that day, but he left my life filled with reminders of the qualities that made him great. I think of those qualities when I look at the hat rack and pray that I can live up to his example- that I will love my family, serve my family and put their needs and desires ahead of my own, simply because I can.

- Bart

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Love and Cookies at Christmas

32 years ago I was introduced to an aspect of Christmas about which I had previously been completely ignorant. It was my first Christmas as a married man and Lisa introduced me to Christmas cookies. My life, my holiday season and my waistline have never been the same.

In the midst of the hustle and bustle of shopping and wrapping, as the day approaches, our kitchen changes from ordinary to extraordinary as Lisa is transformed into a baking machine. She bakes and bakes and bakes. There are a number of mandatory items, cookies and treats that are part of every year’s output, such as Christmas sugar cookies (cookie cutter masterpieces covered in sprinkles and red-hots) and cookie press cookies (until Lisa I had no idea that a cookie press was even a thing), and the occasional new recipe gleaned from one of her many cookie cookbooks. The variety is overwhelming.

It is an incredible amount of work and Lisa is typically exhausted and stressed. The morning of Christmas Eve she starts arranging cookie plates for neighbors and friends, each Christmas plate covered with a few of every flavor she baked, wrapped in Christmas themed cellophane and decorated with a bow. It is an impressive sight. Each year I tell her she doesn’t need to do so much and each year she does it anyway. It is the way she is. She wants Christmas to be special for those she loves and cookies are a part of it.

I think it is her love for everyone else that has always amazed me. Christmas changed forever when she came into my life. Now I live in a home filled with decorations and wonderful smells, of Christmas movies and stockings hung by a fire, of hugs and joy and laughter and love. And cookies. Lots of cookies!

- Bart

An Army for Christmas

We have been told that a heavenly choir sang the news of Jesus’ Birth. We have been misled. On that first Christmas night there is no record of any singing or of any choir. A close look at the biblical account reveals something even more amazing.

On the night long ago, on a hillside outside of the small town of Bethlehem a group of shepherds watched over there sheep. Their mood went from quiet supervision to overpowering fear in an instant as a light brighter than any they had seen enveloped them and out of nowhere and stood before them. The angel told them not to be afraid, for he was bringing “good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.”

Then things got REALLY crazy, for “suddenly there appeared with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host.” The word “multitude” implies a very large number, or a crowd. The word “host” is filled with meaning, as it may also translated as “army”! Right, there on the hillside in front of the shepherds, was the army of heaven. This angelic army is not mentioned frequently in scripture, but the descriptions we are given (found in 2 Kings 6 and in Revelation 20) make it clear that it is indeed a mighty army, and that it will be the means by which God executes His judgment.

What was this heavenly army doing on a hill outside Bethlehem? Why were they the ones proclaiming the birth of Messiah? There is profound meaning in their presence. They are the army of God, those who will one day be the agents of God’s wrath poured out on sinful man. Wrath is indeed what all men deserve, for all have rebelled against God and His plan. But on this night, this powerful army does not come to do battle or wage war. On this night they lay down their weapons and announce the birth of the One who will deliver men from the punishment they deserve, the One who will one day take this wrath upon Himself. On this night, the army proclaims “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among men with whom He is pleased."

Amazing. God, for His own glory and at His pleasure, provided the means through which rebellious men could find peace. He provided a Savior, born in a stable, Christ the Lord.

-          Bart