Love is never Hopeless.

waiting for a boy to become a man can be hard!

It is very hard to look at a 13 year-old boy and accurately forecast the probability of future success. For my son Nate it was darned near impossible. The standard indicators of future success- a clean room, completed chores, and finished homework, were noticeably absent. At that age it seemed that his greatest hope for success in the world was dependent on there actually being a zombie apocalypse or an alien invasion. If there was one (or two) things he was really good at it was killing aliens and zombies. It was a skill honed and developed through hours of practice that arose out of a singular devotion to duty.

As a father it was incredibly frustrating. Like many dads looking at his cluttered room and hearing the endless video game explosions led to visions of my son standing at an intersection with a piece of cardboard that said “Will work for food.” (Although the thought that he might actually be willing to work was slightly comforting.)

My frustration was in large part my own fault. I had unreasonable expectations for a 13 year-old. (My wife will say that I also had unreasonable expectations for a 14, 15, 16, and 17 year-olds as well.) I was basing my opinion totally on what I saw with my eyes. I was ignoring two important things that I could not see- the goodness of his heart, influenced by the Biblical teaching that was a large part of his life, and the bigness of our God, who Nate had made a commitment to at a young age.

I was allowing present circumstances and performance to completely determine my perception of the future of my child. I was stupid, and on many occasions I did not show him love as I should have, for love does not only believe in the good intentions of someone’s heart for the present time, love believes that goodness of heart will result in good in the future. This belief that the future will be better has a name. It is called Hope.

Paul listed Hope as one of the characteristics of love in 1 Corinthians 13. “Love always hopes.” Even when current evidence is lacking, even when someone is failing right in front of us, when it comes to relationships with those we love, our family, especially our spiritual family, true love brings hope. Hope that the future need not be defined by the present. Hope that God is able to make broken people whole, that God can change lives for the good.

It is difficult to hope sometimes, difficult to believe that the future can be better. We need God’s help to love like this, need Him to remind us that He is in control, need to trust His ability to work in the lives of those He loves. But if we love others and love God we must trust, for love always hopes.

I had hope for my son. If I had allowed his dirty room and video games to define him, I would have not encouraged him to be more and do more. My hopes were not disappointed as he has since exceeded my hopes for him. He is a good man, a loving husband, and a devout believer. He is still equipped to deal with the coming zombie apocalypse, but he is also finishing a law degree at UCLA, and working for the District Attorney, where he is displaying a talent for dealing with real life bad guys. Thank God for hope.

-          Bart

This is the 13th post in a series on love based on 1 Corinthians 13. If you have been encouraged by this post, please consider sharing it. If you have a story or comment to share, please share it in the comments. You can be sure to receive all future posts in your email by subscribing to the blog as well. (Link is upper right on a computer, at the bottom of the page on a mobile device.)

I Don't Live in Ferguson, Missouri, and Other Things I am Thankful For

Thanksgiving is a time to sit back and review our lives and be thankful for all of our blessings. To be honest, I don’t deserve any of them-

• I am thankful for where I live. I do not live in Northern Iraq, where terrorists are cutting off the heads of those who disagree with them. I do not live in Jaurez, Mexico, where drug lords rule the city, and I do not live in Ferguson, Missouri, hiding behind a locked door while thugs destroy businesses in my town.

• I am thankful for my medical practice, where in spite of all of the changes insurance, regulations and reimbursement, I still have the freedom to do the right thing every day. I am thankful that I have more opportunities to bless and help someone in a week than many other good people will in a lifetime.

• I am thankful for my office staff. I spend 40 hours a week with these ladies. They make me laugh, cover my back, work hard, do more than I ask. Gracie, Alisa, Jessica, Alisa- you are awesome. My PA Brandie is simply the best there is at what she does.

• I am thankful for the freedoms I have in the United States. Even though some of these freedoms are threatened in the name of tolerance and political correctness, I still have them and live in a country where there are millions of people who have fought for them and will continue to fight for them.

• I am thankful for dog videos on the internet. No explanation needed. Dogs are awesome.

• I am thankful for my kids. Not just for what they do and have accomplished, but for who and what they are. They are honest, faithful, and moral. Every Sunday there are with us in church, reminding me of the faithfulness of God and that when you have the most important things, you do not need any more.

• I am thankful that the Ford Motor Company, in 1957, started making Rancheros, and that they continued to do so, because my 1964 Ranchero is a pretty cool ride.

• I am thankful for my wife, Lisa, who has been my rock for over 32 years. I am fully aware of the fact that ours is the type of marriage about which many others can only dream. Our marriage is not perfect, but life simply does not get any better.

• I am thankful for the gift of Faith. Why Eternal God, before the beginning of time, chose me to be His child is a mystery that is beyond comprehension. God truly delivered me, from the psychological damage that comes from child abuse, from the consequences of my anger and pride in this life, and by the death of His Son, the consequences of my sin in the next life. I am blessed.

• I am also thankful that I am not a Turkey

Happy Thanksgiving!

• Bart

PS: a year ago I shared a post about the first Thanksgiving when the blessing was given by one of my ancestors. You can read it here-

The Unseen Dangers of Blogging

The fact that thousands of people have read my blog is amazing. It is also frightening. While sharing my thoughts through a blog has seemed to help some I am beginning to realize that being a blogger presents significant risk. It can transform me into someone I should not be.

I have been blogging for just over a year. It has been a strange and surprising experience. People entirely unknown to me take the time to read the words I write and occasionally share them with their friends. Each time I add a post to my blog and share it on Facebook I find myself checking back frequently to see how many “likes”, “shares” and views the post has received. When the numbers are high I fell feel validated. When the numbers are low I find myself discouraged.

This leads to some dangerous temptations-

1- I am tempted to only write posts that people will like. Seems harmless, but as a Christian I know that people do not always like truth. There are subjects about which I have strong feelings that I have intentionally avoided. The truth is that trying to be liked is not typically a path to integrity and honor!

2- I am tempted to value myself by the responses of others. I have recently started to ask myself, “Why do the thoughts and praises of absolute strangers matter to me?”

3- I am tempted to think more of myself than I should. The success of a blog has no connection to success in the things that really matter such as the relationships with my family, the quality of medical care I provide and the way I treat my employees.

4- I am tempted to present an image of myself that is inaccurate, that glosses over my failures and amplifies my strengths. 

5- I am tempted to place less value on the most meaningful relationships and feedback, that which comes from face to face encounters with people who know me well.

As I look over this list I see that these dangers are present in all forms of social media. The words “friend” and “follower” have been diluted and now describe relationships that are not truly relationships at all. We look at the numbers of friends and followers someone has and assign them a worth that is completely disconnected from their person and character. I cannot speak for anyone else, but I know I need to be more careful about how I view these things. Superficiality is a dangerous thing.

- Bart

I would ask you to share this post with your friends, but wouldn't that seem strange? :-)

love endures

I come from a family of quitters. Especially in relationships. In the Barrett family the tradition is when someone doesn’t do what you want, you cut them off. Forget about second chances or forgiveness. If you fail to meet expectations or cross the line, if you hurt someone, you are done.

This is how I did not speak to my father for 20 years. My father was offended by something I said so he cut me off. Over the years there was no contact, no communication. There were no change of address forms or Christmas cards. I did not even know how to reach him. I was nothing to him. I was not worthy of his time or his love.

My mom was similar. She was an alcoholic who eventually drank herself to death. 6 years before her death I called her when one evening when she was drunk. After that very uncomfortable conversation I decided not to chance initiating conversations in the future. I told her that she was welcome to call me at any time when she was sober but that I did not want to call her for fear that I would again catch her under the influence. 5 years went by before we spoke again, and we only spoke a total of two more times before she died.

My relationships with my three brothers have followed the family theme. Our relationships have been marked by long stretches of estrangement and isolation in response to slights both real and imagined. Turning away when hurt or offended seems to be the Barrett way.

My wife’s family is not like this at all. Her relationships with her sisters are not perfect and have seen their share of hurts and slights, there have been blow ups and arguments and disagreements, but no one has been cut off or left behind, and the sisters have always been sisters. Forgiveness and acceptance are more the norm.

The different attitudes about family relationships can be traced back to our parents. My mother was married four times, with each marriage punctuated with periods of separation before the ultimate divorces. My father was married three times, with all of them ending in divorce as well. My mother died estranged from her children, my father lives in a nursing home somewhere in Louisiana and has not seen any of his children in many years.Lisa’s mom and dad were married for over 50 years. There kids were not perfect and there were difficulties and arguments, struggles and pain, but their relationship endured. Theirs was a relationship that seemed to grow in difficult times, a commitment that never wavered or wobbled. They were truly a rock, immovable, unshakeable and untouched by any storm life could bring.

The difference in our families is love, in particular an aspect of love described by the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 13 , “Love always endures.”

Lisa came from a family characterized by love, a love that was not and is not dependent on circumstances. Regardless of what life brings, in the morning love will remain. For my family, love was conditional and temporary.

By the grace of God Lisa and I have been blessed with enduring love in our home. We have been able to make her family heritage our family heritage, building a family with a sense of permanence in our relationships. My children sleep well each night knowing that as long as we live, their Mom and Dad will always be their Mom and Dad, will always be Husband and Wife, and will never quit on them or on one another. Love does this.

While there is no question that God wants this type of love to characterize our families, we need to remember that God wants this type of love to characterize our churches as well. Paul wrote his instructions to a church that struggled with politics and division, and his words were intended to correct their lack of commitment to one another. His words apply to our faith communities today as well. We are called to love one another with an unconditional love, with a love that endures and is not shaken or diminished with time. We will be hurt, let down and disappointed by others, but through it all there should be love.

• Bart

This is part 12 in a series on Love based on 1 Corinthians 13.

Quitters Make Terrible Lovers

I come from a family of quitters. Especially in relationships. In the Barrett family the tradition is when someone doesn’t do what you want, you cut them off. Forget about second chances or forgiveness. If you fail to meet expectations or cross the line, if you hurt someone, you are done.

This is how I did not speak to my father for 20 years. My father was offended by something I said so he cut me off. Over the years there was no contact, no communication. There were no change of address forms or Christmas cards. I did not even know how to reach him. I was nothing to him. I was not worthy of his time or his love.

My mom was similar. She was an alcoholic who eventually drank herself to death. 6 years before her death I called her when one evening when she was drunk. After that very uncomfortable conversation I decided not to chance initiating conversations in the future. I told her that she was welcome to call me at any time when she was sober but that I did not want to call her for fear that I would again catch her under the influence. 5 years went by before we spoke again, and we only spoke a total of two more times before she died.

My relationships with my three brothers have followed the family theme. I did not see or speak to one brother for 20 years, and another has not talked to me for the last two. The other brother has also shunned me at times, going for months without communicating, at one time telling me that he did not need people like me in his life. Turning away when hurt or offended seems to be the Barrett way.

My wife’s family is not like this at all. Her relationships with her sisters are not perfect and have seen their share of hurts and slights, there have been blow ups and arguments and disagreements, but no one has been cut off or left behind, and the sisters have always been sisters. Forgiveness and acceptance are more the norm.

The different attitudes about family relationships can be traced back to our parents. My mother was married four times, with each marriage punctuated with periods of separation before the ultimate divorces. My father was married three times, with all of them ending in divorce as well. My mother died estranged from her children, my father lives in a nursing home somewhere in Louisiana and has not seen any of his children in many years.Lisa’s mom and dad were married for over 50 years. There kids were not perfect and there were difficulties and arguments, struggles and pain, but their relationship endured. Theirs was a relationship that seemed to grow in difficult times, a commitment that never wavered or wobbled. They were truly a rock, immovable, unshakeable and untouched by any storm life could bring.

The difference in our families is love, in particular an aspect of love described by the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 13 , “Love always endures.”

Lisa came from a family characterized by love, a love that was not and is not dependent on circumstances. Regardless of what life brings, in the morning love will remain. For my family, love was conditional and temporary.

By the grace of God Lisa and I have been blessed with enduring love in our home. We have been able to make her family heritage our family heritage, building a family with a sense of permanence in our relationships. My children sleep well each night knowing that as long as we live, their Mom and Dad will always be their Mom and Dad, will always be Husband and Wife, and will never quit on them or on one another. Love does this.

While there is no question that God wants this type of love to characterize our families, we need to remember that God wants this type of love to characterize our churches as well. Paul wrote his instructions to a church that struggled with politics and division, and his words were intended to correct their lack of commitment to one another. His words apply to our faith communities today as well. We are called to love one another with an unconditional love, with a love that endures and is not shaken or diminished with time. We will be hurt, let down and disappointed by others, but through it all there should be love.

• Bart

PS: I am now talking again to the brother from whom I was estranged for 20 years. We are working on forgiveness, understanding and rebuilding a relationship. Love does that too!

This is part 12 in a series on Love based on 1 Corinthians 13.