A Ticked off Patient and the Dumbest Mistake I ever Made.

The visit was over before it began. Less than 30 seconds into the conversation the patient decided I wasn’t the doctor for him. He turned to his son, said, “let’s go find another doctor!” and headed for the door. I have had patients get angry with me before and even been summarily “fired” by many over the years but this set a record for speed. I have never seen someone get so angry, so quickly, over so little. As they walked out I turned to the medical student who was with me and asked, “What just happened?”

The man had come into my office with his son, who appeared to be in his late teens. According to the schedule they both had come in for physical exams. They were roomed together. Before going into the room I checked and learned that the son was an adult of 19. As privacy is always a concern I decided to see the son apart from his dad. I opened the door of the exam room and addressed the son with a smile, “Congratulations! You just graduated to your own room!” I gestured to the room across the hall and then addressed them both, “as he is an adult I want to see him separately.”

The dad looked annoyed, “Then we will discuss his care together.”

I replied, “That’s up to him, as he is an adult." Noting the look on the dad's face I added, "These aren't my rules, this is the law.”

The dad would have none of it. He was clearly angry as he replied, “You obviously don't have any kids.”

“Actually I do. I am just following the rules.”

And with that came his pronouncement that he was leaving.

After they left the employees and discussed what had happened, in part trying to figure out if I had done anything wrong. No one could understand what set him off. My best guess was that the dad may have been the type of person who always got his way, someone who typically used intimidation and anger to get what he wanted. I didn't give him what he wanted, so he was angry.

As I reflected on his quick anger I thought of other more pleasant interactions with more pleasant people, kind and loving people I have encountered who had good reasons to be mad at me but didn't. The way they responded when things did not go as planned revealed much about their character.

I think of Adelaide. Adelaide is a patient who was the victim of the dumbest mistake I ever made in practice. Several years ago she came in for a trigger thumb injection and a pneumonia shot. The nurse drew up both injections and placed the syringes in the room. I prepared her thumb for injection, reached for a syringe and promptly injected pneumonia vaccine into the tendon. When she winced in pain I realized my error, but not before half of the dose was in. I apologized for my stupidity and prepared for the justifiable anger I was certain was on its way.

It never came.

Adelaide is not an angry person, she is a loving person. She forgave my mistake saying, “These things happen!” They don't happen and shouldn't happen, but Adelaide was understanding.

In her kind and gracious response Adelaide embodied one of the aspects of love described by the apostle Paul, who wrote, “Love is not easily angered.” What a beautiful sentiment. What a standard to aspire to! To be honest, most people who have known me over the years would not  use the phrase "not easily angered" to describe me. This is not something that has accurately described my responses to others. Being annoyed has for years been my natural state, my baseline mood. (Maybe this is why I have been given so many Disney hats, T-shirts and trinkets with Grumpy on them!) For far too long anger has been just beneath the surface, just one small word or deed away from erupting.

It was love that made the difference. When I made it my goal to love others, to see them as God sees them I became more loving and more motivated to letting anger go. The last few years have even seen times when I didn't get angry and my family thought I should have! Love and forgiveness are a much better way to relate to the world.

-Bart

This is Part 7 in a series about Love based on the definitions given in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 13. Feel free to share! (Actually, you can even fell obligated to share!) If you have thoughts or questions please share them as well.

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Humbled by an Employee's Devotion - Love Part 6

One of the hardest parts of my job has nothing to do with medicine. It is dealing with employees. People can be weird, unpredictable and even mean. They can also be wonderful.

In the 20 years I have been in practice I have worked in both solo and in a large group. I have hired, fired and supervised over 50 different employees. Some stayed for only a short time, others stayed for a number of years. They possessed varying levels of loyalty and trustworthiness. One employee in whom I placed significant trust was let go when I learned she was dishonest on her time card and with the use of the office credit card. Others started off well only to lose focus over time when outside family issues proved to be a distraction.

There is one employee who has now been with me for almost twelve years who has continually displayed a level of selfless devotion that I find humbling. When she was pregnant with her fourth child she realized that she would not likely be able to return to full-time work. Although she wanted to stay with me she put the office ahead of her own wishes. She sought out one of her best friends and trained her as a replacement, giving up her position in order to insure the office continued to function.

After her son was born she made herself available on a fill in basis. She covered other employee days off or illnesses when she could for 4 years before returning to a permanent part-time position. Her responsibilities at home have made it impossible for her to work full-time and limit her availability. Because of this, as the practice has evolved and grown she has told me that she understands that I may eventually need to hire someone else. Over the last few years she has approached me many times to tell me that if I needed to replace her with a full time employee she would understand and that it would be okay with her. She loves working for me but doesn't want me to feel obligated or trapped by her limited schedule. She repeatedly tells me to do whatever I need to do for the office.

Her commitment to serving me and my patients, the way she honors my needs and the needs of the practice and puts others ahead of herself embodies an aspect of love described by the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 13. One of the descriptions of love listed there is "love does not seek its own way.” Simply stated, love puts the needs and feelings of others first.

This aspect of love is crucial for successful relationships. When husbands and wives put one another first grace, forgiveness, and trust follow. When church members care more about others than themselves arguments and divisions disappear.

I am pretty certain I do not deserve such love and devotion from an employee, but I am deeply grateful for it!

- Bart

This is part 6 in a series on love and relationships based on 1 Corinthians 13. If the series has touched you in any way please click on the share button to tell your friends. You can have the remaining posts in the series delivered to your inbox by clicking on the subscribe link. Have a comment or s story to share? I would love to hear it!

Rude, Crude and Nude. What Love is not. Love part 5

I grew up in a rude and crude family. My alcoholic step-father took vulgarity to unbelievable levels, exposing my brothers and me to things we never should have seen. I remember him getting drunk one night after work and deciding to go for a swim. He stripped naked at the kitchen counter and headed for the pool, an image a 10-year-old will always remember. On another night my mother rejected his drunken advances so he summoned us into their bedroom. He lay naked in the bed next to my mother, her lip swollen and bleeding, as he declared to us all that he was going to divorce our mother for not performing on demand. As bad as his behavior was his speech was even more disgusting, peppered with profanity and seasoned with vulgar comments too vile to put into print. He was not a loving man.

When I met my wife I quickly learned what the love of a father looked like. The contrast between the vulgarity of my step-father and the love of my father-in-law was remarkable. In the 25 years I was blessed to have Chuck Rehm as a part of my life I never heard him swear and never heard him make an unseemly comment. He adored my mother-in-law and not once did I hear him make a contrary comment about her. His commitment to my wife and her sisters was unshakeable.

I think about these two men when I read the next description of love in 1 Corinthians 13. “Love is not rude.” Other versions read “Love is not unseemly” or “Love does dishonor others.” It is clear from this definition that my father-in-law loved his family and my step-father did not.

Sadly, many of us are very much like my step-father. Over the years I have observed hundreds of relationships and have seen many men and women who were rude, crude and inappropriate in their behavior.  I have seen friends interrupt one another, mock others behind their backs, and crudely insult others. I have heard supposedly respectable men make vulgar jokes, and seen strangers proudly wear t-shirts with words and images that would make a sailor blush.

We should do better. It seems pretty clear from scripture that if we truly love one another such behavior should disappear.

-          Bart

This post is part 5 in a series on Love based on 1 Corinthians 13.  You can share this post with others by clicking on the link below. You can have the remaining posts in the series, and all future posts delivered straight to your email inbox by clicking on the subscribe button. As always comments are welcomed!

A gifted man. A wonderful wife. A Humble life. Love part 4

I have a friend who is disgustingly talented. His artistic skills are amazing (he is a professional illustrator), he can generate in a matter of minutes drawings that make anything I could strive for look like something a 2-year-old would scribble on a wall. Beyond his art skills he is widely read, extremely thoughtful, capable enough with his hands to rebuild a classic car or refinish a cabinet, and athletic enough to hit a golf ball two hundred and fifty yards. If he wasn’t such a nice guy he would be easy to hate.

An original painting my friend did for me and LIsa last Christmas.

My favorite aspect of his person is not his talent. It is how he views it. In his mind it is something that was hardwired into him, something that is God given. He has worked hard to develop his gifts and to be the best he can be in his field, but he understands where his talent comes from. While he freely shares his drawings with others I have never, ever, heard him boast about his work.

There is only one thing about which I have heard him regularly boast, and that is his wife. All who know him know that he truly believes that nothing he has ever drawn with his hands compares to the woman God has given him. He brags about her beauty, her cooking, and her parenting. Her only flaw it seems is her taste in men, as he frequently reminds others that he married way over his head.

He embodies what the Apostle Paul meant when he wrote that love “does not boast, it is not proud.”

When we love others, we focus on the good in them, on their giftedness. When we love others, they matter more than we do. We see the innate value in who they are and what they contribute. We also are less impressed with ourselves, as we are aware of how imperfect we are. Love changes our perspective and turns us outward and not inward.

This type of love is not meant to be limited to our marriages and family relationships. Paul was writing to a church. He wrote these instructions immediately after a lengthy discourse on giftedness in the church. He understood the danger that those who had been uniquely blessed by God with “greater” gifts (those that are upfront and visible in a church setting) could get puffed up and feel as if they were special. Paul reminds us that the person faithfully changing diapers in the church nursery is as valued as the person in the pulpit.

Paul and my friend remind me that my gifts and talents are from God. I did not make myself intelligent. The innate skills that have allowed me to succeed in my profession were given, not earned. They remind me that if I am to love others as God intends, it will include focusing on their value and not my own.

-          Bart

Jealousy and Love do NOT Mix! Love Part 3

It is a simple fact that truly appreciating what you have often  includes not wanting something else. I truly am grateful for the blessings in my life. A few nights ago while I was picking out my clothes for the next day I heard my favorite sound coming from the living room, the sound of Lisa’s laughter. She has a wonderful laugh (especially when she is laughing at one of our children), a laugh filled with joy and delight that is truly infectious. As I was ironing my clothes later that evening I reflected on the blessing she is to me and how special our relationship is. I can honestly say that I have never met anyone who appeared to have a better marriage. Ours is not perfect, but it is pretty darn good!

When I think of other good marriages I realize there are some common traits. One of the most important is contentment. When I hear happily married men talk about their wives I get the sense that they have no thoughts of anyone else, no interest in anyone else, and see no reason to even consider anyone else. I get the sense that like me, they would say that they have never met anyone who had a better marriage.

When I think of some of the troubled marriages I have encountered I see the opposite. I see men and women who wish things were better, who talk about what is wrong with their spouse, and about what needs to change. Sometimes they even sound resentful of those whose marriages are happy, occasionally to the point of mocking the happiness of others.

These good and bad marriages illustrate what the Apostle Paul meant when he wrote, “love is not envious.” The Greek word translated envious refers to a strong desire, or a longing. In this case a longing for something someone else has. True love doesn’t want something else. True love is content.

The love of which Paul wrote is not limited to marital love, it encompasses much more. It is the type of love that should characterize the attitude of Christians towards one another. Paul was implying that we should be content in the gifts, blessings and position we have in life, so much so that we do not long for the life or circumstances of anyone else.

While I think I am truly content and devoid of jealousy in my marriage, I have a long way to go when it comes to my love of God and my fellow Christians.  How about you?

-          Bart

This is the third post in a series about the qualities of love. You can have future posts delivered to your inbox by clicking on the subscribe button, and you can always share any post with your friends by clicking on the share button below