The Beauty of Intimacy. Adultery Part 4

As harmful to the soul and psyche as premarital relations are, they pale in comparison to the damage of adultery. Adultery takes emotional havoc to an entirely different level. When someone has sex outside of a marriage, it is a betrayal of trust and intimacy unlike any other. When the marital bond of oneness comes undone, the consequences to families, children, and individuals are incredibly severe. When we understand the terrible damage done it is easy to understand why God included the prohibition against adultery in His Ten Commandments. It is exceptionally important.

Adultery’s damage can best be understood in the context of the beauty that God intended for marital intimacy. The more beautiful the object that is damaged the more tragic the loss. Graffiti on a bridge overpass is ugly; graffiti on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel is a catastrophe. All immorality is wrong and sinful, but when the masterpiece that is God’s plan for marital purity is ruined by the stain of adultery it isn’t just wrong, it’s a tragedy. The greatness of the tragedy of adultery, the violation of the marriage covenant, is profound evidence of the beauty God intended for marriage. Conversations with people who have known no other partner apart from their spouse confirm the beauty intended by God.

This exquisite quality is evident in the attitude towards sex I have seen in faithful men. The sexual desires in men who have only been with their wives are not merely desires for sexual release or for a physical act. There is much more to it than the mere pursuit of pleasure; faithful men desire their wives. They don’t want to be with just any woman; they want to be with the woman God gave them. This directed desire creates a powerful bond of attachment. When these men think about sex, they think about their wives, as they have no other frame of reference. This passion for their wives is intensely personal and private. By default their wives become their sexual ideal. This is truly a wonderful thing.

The strong attachment that results from undiluted intimacy has additional benefits beyond physical union. When a man’s wife is truly his and a woman’s husband is truly hers it gives rise to strong nurturing and protective emotions. As years of faithfulness accumulate, the emotion grows. I have seen this in my own marriage. I can honestly say that after twenty-six years of marriage my love for and connection to my wife has grown with every passing day. Love truly blooms with faithfulness over time. As clichéd as it may be, our relationship is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced.

Country singer John Berry echoes my feelings in his song, “Your Love Amazes Me”: 

I’ve seen the seven wonders of the world, 

I’ve seen the beauty of diamonds and pearls

But they mean nothing baby Your love amazes me

I’ve seen a sunset that would make you cry

And colors of the rainbow, reaching across the sky

The moon in all its phases, Your love amazes me

It was, is, and always will be God’s desire that one man and one woman share such a bond. This physical and emotional bond of unity is the foundation of marriage and, by extension, the foundation of the family.

- Bart

Thanks for reading, and a special thanks who share these posts with their friends. This post is the 4th in an eight part series on adultery taken from my book, Life Medicine. The book is available through this site and on Amazon.com. A small group study guide can be accessed through this site as well. I am in the process of uploading a video series on the book to my vimeo page, www.vimeo.com/bartbarrett

A Whole Lesson from Half of a Butt

“Pull your pants up.”

It was a simple request, as his pants were hanging halfway down his backside. It was 2001 and it was a style commonly seen in teenagers but I did not think it sent the best message under the circumstances. He was a volunteer in the church’s children’s ministry and I thought that for some parents that “look” might be considered inappropriate. As I was the Director of Children’s Ministry for the church I felt it was within my authority to comment on his attire.

I was totally unprepared for the backlash that followed. The teen complained to his mom and the mom complained to the pastor. Before I knew it I was called into the pastor’s office. With a condescending tone he informed me that it was important that everyone feel welcome at church, regardless of the way they were dressed. He told me that I was being judgmental and needed to change my attitude.

He was as unprepared for my response as I had been for his. I told him that I agreed with him that people needed to feel comfortable at church and that was why I had asked the boy to raise his pants! I wanted to make sure that visitors bringing their children to church would not be taken aback by the appearance of anyone caring for their child. I reminded the pastor that serving in ministry was a privilege and that our student volunteers had agreed to follow the policies I had laid out. I told him, “If a student is not spiritually mature enough to submit to leadership in areas of dress, perhaps he isn’t mature enough to serve in Children’s ministry!” The pastor backed down from his position.

As the years have passed I have realized that the attitude of this young teen was not unique. Personal desires dominate our current self-absorbed generation. Little concern is given to the feelings or needs of others. People demand to be accepted “just as they are” and rebel against any suggestion they might need to change or improve anything about themselves. They can dress casually in any situation, use foul language in public, and be generally rude. It is only those who dare to comment who are considered in the wrong.

This me-first, don't tell me I'm wrong attitude is everywhere. I see it in patients who do not want to take responsibility for their health, in alcoholics who want to continue to drink and diabetics who do not want to manage their diets. I have seen it in former employees who want to be paid a high salary but refuse to do anything extra to help a patient. I see it in physicians whose offices are customer service disasters but who refuse to hire the staff or make the changes necessary to improve.

In every case I remind people that excellence only comes with effort, and that if they want to be recognized for excellence they will need to make some changes. No one is perfect and we all need to get better. Getting better requires a willingness to change our behavior and our attitudes. We may even need to pull our pants up.

- Bart

Questions or comments? Please share them! You can have future posts delivered to your inbox by subscribing to the blog or follow me on Twitter @bartbarrettmd.  

Sex, Marriage and Waiting. Adultery Part 3

I have seen in my medical practice the emotional pain that results from broken sexual relationships. The damage I have observed supports the idea that the sexual bond is exclusively designed for marriage. The oneness of flesh created by a sexual union is meant to endure. When couples break the bond much harm is done. 

I have seen many young people troubled with the intense emotional pain brought on by the loss of a girlfriend or boyfriend who had been their first sexual partner. When they are mature enough to be able to express themselves they have told me of the profound sense of loss. Deep sadness came when they realized that they had given away something they had hoped to share with their life’s one true love. Many times they had given themselves away in the belief that they had found their soul mate, only to discover they had lost something they could never get back. 

One particular young lady comes to mind. I can recall the visit when she shared her grief. Then twenty-one, she had just been dumped by her boyfriend of the previous five years. He had been her first and only sexual relationship. To her, that was something special. She had thought that he was her life mate, her future husband; yet now that was clearly not to be. She felt used, shamed, and less womanly. She thought she was damaged and less attractive to other men. She had fallen into a major depression that was worsened by an associated anxiety disorder. She required significant doses of medication just to function each day. 

The medication helped her get through each day, but it did not deaden the emotional pain she was suffering. Her emotional pain left her with two choices. She could acknowledge the truth that she had made a serious error in giving herself to her boyfriend, or she could tell herself that sexual relationships were normal when dating and therefore no cause for shame. She knew the truth and was struggling with its ramifications. She had made a grave mistake, one that could be forgiven yet never undone. 

This young woman’s loss illustrates the seriousness of sexual immorality prior to marriage. When people give themselves away before marriage, their future marriage loses a degree of intimacy. A secret told to many people isn’t really a secret, and when the most intimate act known to mankind is shared with many people, it loses some of its power. I have seen many promiscuous individuals who were later unable to sustain intimate relationships. The powerful bond intended by God was so weakened by casual sex that it appeared lost forever. Waiting is important!

- Bart

This is the third of an 8-part weekly series on Adultery and Faithfulness taken from my book on the 10 Commandments, Life Medicine. You can have the future posts delivered straight to you email inbox by subscribing to the blog, just click on the link. I am currently teaching through the book at a church in Fullerton. Videos of the lessons are available at my vimeo page, www.vimeo.com/bartbarrett . 

A Doctor Gets Fired Over a Dog

I had been there for her through her treatments for infertility,a long and  painful recovery from a motorcycle accident and a divorce. Our doctor-patient relationship lasted for over 15 years. It ended over a dog.

Even though she already had a dog, she moved into a new apartment that did not allow pets. Rather than find a new apartment or a new home for her dog she decided to have me write a letter saying that her dog was necessary for her mental health. She was happy with her dog and would be sad without it, which to her thinking meant that her dog was medically necessary. She scheduled an appointment specifically to get the letter.

As nicely as I could I informed her that it was my policy to never write letters for therapy pets. I explained that while pets do provide comfort that is not the same as a pet being medically necessary. As most of the requests I received were from patients who had not been previously diagnosed with a mental disorder I was concerned that I many of the requests were not genuine. As I did not want to make false or incorrect statements it was my policy to ask patients to direct these requests to their therapist or psychiatrist.

She was livid. Her voice rose as she sternly replied, “If you do not write me this letter I will find another doctor.” Never one to give in to threats, I wished her the best of luck with her new physician.

Requests such as hers have become increasingly common as more and more people have discovered the “letter from your doctor” loophole to pet exclusions. Privacy laws prohibit the disclosure of patient information to potential landlords so there is no way for anyone to confirm that a therapy dog is truly necessary. Many eager to please or afraid to offend doctors have joined in the deceit.

I realize that there are people who feel calmer and more secure when accompanied by a pet but I wonder if our society has not taken things too far. We have reached the point where people are averse to even the slightest discomfort. The feelings and comfort of others are ignored as personal desires have become God given rights. People are taking “therapy dogs” on airplanes, supermarkets and shopping malls. I have even seen them at Disneyland. (I would think that being at the “Happiest Place on Earth” would be therapy enough!) 

I have decided that it is not my duty to cater to every desire my patients express and that sometimes saying, “No” is the right response. I consider it a form of therapy.

-          Bart

Comments and questions are welcome. Click the subscribe button to have future posts delivered to your email inbox. The next post, coming on Monday, is the continuation of my series on the evil of adultery. Finally,  Yes those are my dogs in the picture! 

Marriage Matters. Cheating Destroys. Adultery Part 2

Adultery is a terrible sin. Acquiring a  full understanding of the sin of adultery and the commandment against it cannot be gained without first understanding of God’s plans for marriage and sexuality. Like an ink stain on a white blouse (or a blood stain on a white lab coat!), when we grasp the beauty, holiness, and intimacy God intended for marriage and all that marriage represents and symbolizes, the sin of adultery can be seen as the tragedy it is.

When we read the story of Adam and Eve it is clear that God had beautiful intentions for marriage from the beginning. The language that God used to describe the bond between this first man and his wife gives us insight into God’s design for the marriage relationship.

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. (Gen 2:24–25)

In this brief passage we see that the initiation of the marital bond is characterized by two processes. First, the individual separates from his or her parents, permanently altering the structure of that previous relationship. The parents are no longer to be the primary source of intimacy, affection, and encouragement. The connection with the parent is replaced by a new and more powerful bond, the bond with the spouse. The passage explains that this leaving of parents and uniting to one’s spouse is at the heart of God’s plan for marriage. The terminology used to describe this new family, “They will become one flesh,” is incredibly powerful.

The second process in the formation of the marital bond is the cleaving, or uniting together, of the man and his wife. God proclaimed that the two individuals would become “one flesh.” The bond between husband and wife is so strong, the couple so united, that there is a blurring of individual boundaries. God intended there to be oneness of purpose, heart, thought, and of physical intimacy, even while individual personalities remained.

The oneness of the marital relationship between man and woman is unlike any other. The depths of commitment and love that should characterize this union are far beyond that seen in any other relationship. Implicit in this oneness is that there are aspects of marriage that are unique. There are things shared between a husband and wife that are not, and in truth should not, be shared with anyone else. I know this to be true in my own marriage. My wife knows many things about me that nobody else does. She knows things about me physically and emotionally that I have never shared with anyone else. This is the very definition of intimacy.

The incredible intimacy of the marital bond finds its ultimate expression in the act of sexual intercourse. The bond of sexual intimacy is the tangible, physical expression of the oneness of flesh that God designed. I believe the primary intent of the sexual act, the primary reason God created sexual intimacy, is to form a physical bond that holds a relationship together. Although sexual intimacy happens to be both pleasurable and the means of procreation, neither of these ends represents the ultimate purpose of the sexual union.

The ultimate purpose is stated in Genesis 2. Two individuals join and become one flesh. Sexual intimacy unites a man and a woman in a powerful way. So powerful is the bond that significant emotional harm results when a sexual relationship dissolves.

In the next post we will explore this harm more deeply.

- Bart

This is part two in a multi-part series on adultery taken from my book, Life Medicine. Your comments and thoughts are welcomed, and shares are appreciated. If you want to receive the rest of the posts in this series in your email, subscribe to the blog. Churches interested in using the book for small group study can contact me to receive books at cost. A small group study guide is available through the book page on this website.