A Police Shooting, A Facebook Debate

12381939_s.jpg

Last week a Huntington Beach police offer shot and killed a man outside of a convenience store. The deadly exchange was captured on cell phone video by two different bystanders, one of whom posted the video to Twitter within minutes of the encounter. It took only a few minutes more for arguments to begin on social media.

The video was only 17 seconds long and captured only a portion of the interaction but that was enough for hundreds of people on Facebook to make confident judgments about the rightness or wrongness of the officer's actions. The opinions were diverse, with the officer being described as everything from a hero to a murderer.

The assessments were diverse but shared a common confidence. Multiple "analysts" expressed their opinions without wavering, seemingly oblivious or uncaring of the thoughts of others. People chose their sides and held their ground eager to judge not only the officer and the man who was shot but also the assessments of fellow commenters. Scorn, praise, disdain and encouragement were freely given to complete strangers based on brief comments on Facebook. The relative of anonymity of social media led to name calling and personal attacks, peppered with dismissive insults of others such as “Embarassment”, “Fool”,  “Wackadoo” and “Asshat.”

Those against the officer's actions demanded he be punished, confidently stating he could have and should have acted differently. Some declared that the officer could have shot his attacker in the kneecaps instead of the torso, (which leads me to wonder if they have ever fired a handgun, as such marksmanship under pressure would be truly incredible). Others asserted that the officer, after an intense wrestling and fighting match with the man, should have somehow been able to subdue the man with his hands alone. Some were confident that had the officer only had better training in mental health issues he would have been able to “deescalate” the situation and avoided violence. They described the 27 Year-old man who attacked the officer in sympathetic terms, as a victim of society, the mental health system and overly aggressive policing.

Others decided not only to support the officer but to devalue the humanity of the man who attacked him. His name, once revealed, was seldom used as people chose to instead call him pejoratives such as "scum", "garbage" and "loser". Many said that not only that the officer justified in his actions but that the man "deserved to die."

Almost all of the comments revealed major flaws in American society, the seemingly universal inability to listen to and entertain alternative points of view, as well as the inability to questions one’s own positions and arguments. Battle lines take priority over lines of communication. Personal feelings of moral superiority trump the personal feelings of others. We are quick to judge, quick to speak and completely unwilling to listen to one another.

Many of the responses I read displayed a type of selfishness, an apparent desire to elevate one's self over others and to gain a sense of moral superiority. Opinions mattered more than people. Lacking in most of the dialogue was a sensitivity to those involved in the actual event, as if they were characters in a drama instead of real people. I do not know the officer but I suspect he has no need for others to question his actions.  He will undoubtedly undergone countless hours of self doubt and questioning in addition to the inevitable formal investigation. For the rest of his days he will have to deal with the reality of taking the life of another human being. The family of the man killed have had his mental illness and irrational behavior put on display for all of the world to see, with their family dynamics called into question. Those who disparage his upbringing and support network do so with no knowledge of the pain and agony experienced by the loved ones of those with serious psychiatric disorders. Families of the mentally ill often question themselves, wondering where they went wrong and what they could have done differently. This family has the added emotional stress of processing the graphic video images of someone they loved die from gunshots. With so many opportunities to question themselves and their past actions, they do not need the questioning of strangers.

It is time for all to take a step back. We need to be less confident in our opinions, more questioning of ourselves, and less questioning and judging of others. We are all flawed and broken people, we all fail, and we all struggle. None of us wants our imperfections publicly displayed and debated or to have our actions examined under a public microscope. We need grace more than we need judgment.

For me, I am going to make it a personal goal to change my initial responses to the actions of others shared in the media. Instead of jumping to conclusions and passing judgment I aim to fall to my knees and pray, for this may actually accomplish something.

- Bart

If you found this post valuable, please take the time to share it with others. Shares are the only way others learn of the blog. Those interested in future posts can subscribe to the blog (scroll down on mobile devices or look to the upper right on your desk top) by clicking the button on the page. I can also be followed on Twitter @bartbarrettmd.

Violent Words in a Parking Lot

“You’re an F-ing idiot,” he screamed at the woman, who was obviously frightened at the explosiveness of his outburst. Concerned with neither the woman nor how he appeared to others he screamed the words at her over and over again, gesturing fiercely and menacing in his posture.

The scene played out in the parking lot of a nearby supermarket in plain view of others. The man did not care. It was clear that he wanted everyone around to know that the object of his anger was an “F-ing idiot.” My wife Lisa was witness to the outburst, the man’s words impacting her as she exited her car. She was stunned to see that the recipient of the man’s wrath was an elderly woman who was fearfully standing next to her parked car. Shocked at the intensity of his rage, Lisa waited before going into the store, fearful that the man might do something rash.

As the man continued his repetitive insults Lisa was unable to remain silent. Hoping that the awareness that others were listening would give him pause, and to let the woman know she was not alone, she said, “Excuse me?”

The man turned to her but his anger did not diminish. My wife became a secondary target. He had F-bombs to spare and was apparently willing to hurl them at anyone who did not agree with him. Lisa found herself plotting escape routes if he approached and pondering whether to dial 911.

In the course of the man’s diatribe he revealed the terrible deed the elderly woman had done, the heinous act that caused him to respond so viciously. The woman had stopped her car and waited in the lane as another woman prepared to back out of a parking spot. Mr. Angry was one of those who had to either wait several seconds for the parked car to exit or drive around her.

That was it. A momentary delay in the parking lot. The loss of a few moments of time were enough for the man to unleash his fury, enough for an elderly woman to be publicly derided as an F-ing idiot.

When Lisa shared this story with me we both marveled at the man’s lack of decency. The elderly woman may have been overly cautious in her driving, she may have made a wrong decision and she may have caused others to waste a minute or two. None of those acts made her deserving of public scorn, none had any bearing on her value as a person. It was clear to us that the man’s problem wasn’t just that he didn’t respect the woman, it was that he didn’t respect people. That absence of baseline respect allowed him to attack others for their mistakes, to condemn them for minor slights.

As we talked I thought of how more and more people are becoming like Mr. Angry, thinking only of themselves without regard for the feelings of others. So many people have forgotten the truth that every person, even those who wrong us, is deserving of kindness and respect.

I don’t want to be like Mr. Angry. I want to be better, speak better and think better. I want to view others with respect, not just in parking lots, but even in the privacy of my mind. I intend to do this by working on avoiding derogatory labels for people, to cease with the name calling that is pervasive in our culture. From now on, if someone cuts me off on the freeway, leaves a bad Yelp review, or in any way offends me I resolve to no longer say, “Look what that idiot did!” or “What a jerk!”

I am going to try and say, “Look what that person did.” No adjective, no defamatory comments. I intend to aim my negative comments at actions, not people, to continually remind myself of the personhood of every man and woman I meet, regardless of the rightness of their actions. I want to remember that everyone is a child of God, that everyone has value. As I do my prayer is that my heart will soften, my anger will fade, and a kinder person will emerge over time.

I can’t change Mr. Angry, or the countless others like him, but I can change me, and I intend to.

- Bart

Thanks for reading and for sharing with others. I can be followed on twitter @bartbarrettmd, and those who wish to receive posts via e-mail can do so by subscribing to the blog. Comments and questions are always welcomed.

The Girl in the Harley Store

Sometimes brief encounters have a lasting impact. We were in Pennsylvania on vacation and on our way back to our home base in Hershey after a day trip to Philadelphia. We had spent the day exploring some of the birth sites of our nation, places like Independence Hall and the site of Ben Franklin’s home and print shop. We were 30 minutes away from “home” when we decided to take a detour to visit a Harley Davidson store.

I had zero interest in owning a Harley but a great interest in buying a t-shirt. A friends of ours was a big Harley guy and collected T-shirts. We thought it would be nice to grab one from one of the many Harley stores in central Pennsylvania. We found a store and after taking a few moments to orient ourselves made our way past the bikes and upstairs to the T-shirt section.  After several minutes of browsing and debate we selected a shirt and made our way to the register. The clerk was a pleasant young woman who seemed to be in her very early twenties.

In the course of our conversation we shared that we were from California. Her eyes lit up (apparently not a lot of Californians visit Harley stores in central Pennsylvania) and she asked us where in California we lived. She did not know where Orange County was so I told her we were about 20 minutes from Disneyland, which impressed her even more. She told us that she hoped to be able to go to California some day. The way she said it led me to believe that she wasn’t sure she’d ever make it out west, that she understood such a trip would likely be forever beyond her financial reach. She mentioned that the farthest she traveled was Hershey, about 10 miles away.

I was struck by how different our lives were. We lived in a beach town in Southern California with theme parks, beaches and mountains and Hollywood within easy driving distance. She lived in a small town where the single theme park in nearby Hershey was a big deal. We had traveled more and further in a week than she had in her life time.  She could only dream of traveling. She lived in a part of the country where jobs were scarce and times were hard while we lived in an area of immense wealth.

As we drove away I thought about these differences. we lived in the same country and spoke the same language but lived completely different lives. What was normal and common for me was unfathomable to her. We consider ourselves to be normal middle class people yet to her we seemed incredibly wealthy. Our brief interaction reminded me of how easy it is to forget our blessings and privilege, how easy it is to lose sight of the opportunities afforded us simply because of where we were born and the talents God has given us. I have more to be thankful for than I often realize.

- Bart

A Facebook Debate with a Good Outcome?

Facebook has gone nuclear. It is always blowing up about something but in the last few weeks it has gone nuclear. Everyone is at someone’s throat about someone’s political post. Immigration and deportations, Travel bans and Circuit court rulings, protests and counter protests have all served as fodder for raging political fires.

Reading the posts and the comments (I know, I know, NEVER read the comments) one thing is overwhelmingly clear. No one is listening. Lot’ s of people are talking, but no one is listening. I have yet to read a single comment saying, “Why do you feel that way?” or “Tell me more, I would like to understand where you are coming from?”

I decided to counteract this trend a few weeks ago. A Facebook friend I have not seen since high school made a liberally leaning comment on another friend’s post and I decided to respond. Instead of posting a comment, I sent him a message-

You are on the left and I am on the right. We are both writers. I am wondering if you would be interested in a genuine dialogue on some of the issues. I would love to engage with someone who disagrees with me without either side attacking the other.”

Over the course of the next several days, we dialogued. We exchanged emails on taxes, health care and media bias. We found a few areas of agreement and many more where we saw the world from completely different perspectives. Neither of us changed our minds.

The most important thing we agree on is that both of us love our country and want what is best for it and that neither of us wants to destroy it. Beyond that, we are still friends.

Something to think about the next time you are tempted to type out an angry comment. If you’re not willing to dialogue in private, you probably shouldn’t say anything.

- Bart

thanks for reading and sharing. Comments and questions are welcomed, and personal messages are especially welcome!

A Different Road to Success

Everyone wants to make a lot of money. Most people think the path to success runs through college and is paved with textbooks, term papers and scantron forms. This belief has led countless young people to invest their parent's life savings, and much of their future earnings, in financing a college education. All who do this get a piece of paper with their name on it, trailed by a couple of very expensive letters (the most appropriate of which are B.S.)

Many are soon surprised to learn that those letters are not worth the paper they are printed on. Their dreamed of earnings don’t materialize. Their dream degree in their chosen field either turns out not to be the degree employers want or a degree that is wanted by only a few. In either case the opportunities available to them often provide only a living wage. They have a lifetime of debt in front of them and wasted years behind them.

I have received applications from a number of these people. When I post an ad for a position in my office I without fail receive several resumes from desperate college grads searching for a job. There is a degree of sadness when I delete their emails. They may have a college degree but they lack the skills and experience needed to work as a receptionist in a medical office. Over-qualified, mis-qualified and unemployed.

A few weeks back I met a young man who took a different path yet embodies the success for which so many young people strive. He is 29, single, self-employed and financially secure. His job pays well, enough for him to buy a home in Huntington Beach in a zip code with a median home price of $762,000. By most measures of financial success he is doing well, very well for his age.

He is successful, yet he had never attended college. Not one class, seminar or night course will be found on his resume. He has no formal business training, yet he makes over $100,000 a year.

He is a pool man.

He has been cleaning swimming pools for 13 years, since he was 16 years old. His father is a pool man and he learned the trade from him, how to monitor chlorine levels, remove algae and repair heaters and filters. After a few years working with his father he struck out on his own, acquiring customers and building his business.  Before long he was making a good living. Young and debt free, he was able to put a large portion of his earnings into savings, eventually enough for a down payment. He is a success.

He is a reminder that the road to success does not always go through college. Something for students and their parents to remember!

- Bart

Thanks for reading, sharing and commenting. You can subscribe to the blog if you want to receive future posts, and you can follow me on twitter @bartbarrettmd.