James Gunn, Ryan Bounds and Bart Barrett... Idiots!

People are idiots, myself included. It is an inescapable part of human nature. While it can be partially controlled through experience and effort, our innate idiocy cannot be eliminated. Like chronic disease it can be controlled but never cured. The wise among us will learn to suppress our idiocy, to recognize it when it raises it head, and to resist its temptation, but none are immune. Young people, particularly young men, are the must susceptible to its influence.

When I reflect on my earlier years I cringe at the foolish things I did and said, the times when I embarrassed or hurt others with acts that the young Bart thought funny or clever but mature Bart would never even consider. My warped and poorly controlled sense of humor inadvertently offended friends, family members and coworkers on far too many occasions.

I am extremely grateful that I did not grow up in the era of social media. My stupid jokes and comments of the past were heard by only a few people, people who knew me and my tendency to misspeak, or people who out of necessity gave me the benefit of the doubt. In almost all cases, people were able to place my remarks in context, and ignore, forgive or tolerate. They had seen me be kind, generous and caring, so they did not assume that my attempts at humor accurately reflected my character. If some of the in poor taste comments from my past were tweeted or Instagrammed I would now be a pariah, condemned by the world.

Many of my verbal faux pas came to mind this week when I read what had happened to James Gunn, the director of the Guardians of the Galaxy movies. Some people who were offended by a political stance he had taken took it upon themselves to search his Twitter feed. They went back far enough to find  crass and offensive “jokes” in his feed, jokes from a time in his life when he found scandalous and cruel sounding jokes to be funny.

When these old jokes were brought to light the response of the mob was swift and devastating. The Disney company terminated their relationship with him, ending his involvement in the Guardians franchise. They released a statement condemning his past words and distancing the company from both Gunn and his posts. His career may never fully recover.

 I read some of the offensive tweets. I saw their offensiveness, but in some of the tweets I also saw the humor. Some of the jokes he wrote were very similar to jokes I heard told by standup comics years ago, jokes many people found funny at that time. In all of the tweets it was obvious to me that he was joking, that the words were reflections of a warped sense of humor, not of a warped man.

James Gunn is not the only person in the news who has been destroyed by the recently discovered words of his youth. Ryan Bounds is Assistant United States Attorney. He graduated from the top law school in the country and has been an attorney for 20 years. He has received numerous accolades and awards and was recently nominated to the 9th Circuit Court of appeals. His nomination was withdrawn this last week over things he wrote when he was a college student over 20 years ago.

While the positions he took in his writings were within mainstream thought, the language he used was stern and offensive to some. The articles he wrote contained terms that were derogatory and needlessly inflammatory. He wrote as if he was only 20 years old and did not know any better.

People opposed to his nomination dug deeply into is past and presented these college writings as evidence of racism and poor character. Bounds, like the vast majority of male college students, was revealed to have once been an idiot. The fact that he was now a noble man who was gifted and talented in his profession was irrelevant. He had done something stupid years ago and he needed to pay. Our world shows no grace and has no mercy for those with whom we disagree. “Once an idiot, always an idiot” seems to be the motto of the day. The reality that good people can do dumb things is completely ignored.

As a person who tries to be good but who has done some really dumb things, I find this discouraging. I work hard each day to be a better, kinder and more compassionate man and would be devastated to have a poorly phrased joke or the words of my former self be the basis of another’s opinion of me. Nor will I judge others in this way. I choose to not be a part of the mob. I choose to evaluate others based on the person they are, not the person they once were, for this is how how God chooses to see people.

Bart

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Men Need Men

We meet every Wednesday morning. We are of different ages, different backgrounds and different socioeconomic classes. Some of us are devout, others are still unsure about their faith. We are a diverse group, not all of us are married and our ages range from 28 to 64. We do not have much in common yet we come together each week with a shared agenda. We want to be better men.

We want to be better because we know we can be and we know we should be. We recognize that we are all messed up, all have problems, all have hang ups and issues. Most importantly we understand that we cannot become the men we need to be on our own. We have blind spots, prejudices and preconceptions, broken thinking that gets in the way, and keeps us from being the men we want to be. We need other men to help us.

We rise early once a week, drink coffee and discuss the struggles common to all men. We spent a month discussing anger, why we get mad, when we get mad and how we can learn to control our tempers. We have talked about women, but not in the way men often do. We talk about how we can be the type of men who respect women in our personal and professional lives. We talk about morality, honesty and integrity, and all of the barriers that make it hard to be good.

We laugh together, tease each other, challenge each other and encourage each other, week after week. As we do, a remarkable thing is happening. We are changing. Tempers are coming under control, goals are being adjusted, and definitions of manhood are changing. Friendships have developed and are growing. 

Also growing is the realization of how much men need other men. Many of us did not have strong fathers, most of us have not had many deep male friendships. All of us are seeing that we need each other and that we are better because we meet.

It is one of the most significant things I have ever done. I have been a doctor for 28 years and been actively involved in church ministry for nearly as long. I cannot think of a single thing I have done that has been as consistently powerful and meaningful. Men need men, and it is a privilege to bring men together.

Bart

If you are a man interested in meeting with other men, send me a message. If you know a man who might be interested, send them a message. We weren't meant to fight these battles alone.

Miss America isn't the Problem, America is

This last week the press was abuzz with the news that the Miss America pageant was no longer going to be a beauty contest. The pageant announced it was doing away with both the swimsuit and evening gown portions of the competition.  Gretchen Carlson, the Chairman of the Board of Directors made it clear that women who wished to compete for the title of Miss America would no longer be scored on their appearance. “We’re not going to judge you on your appearance because we are interested in what makes you you," Carlson said.

The move was hailed as part of the positive cultural change brought about by the #metoo movement, the widespread uprising against the harassment and abuse of women. Ms. Carlson referenced this when she said, “Miss America is proud to evolve as an organization and join this empowerment movement.” Commentators called the changes long overdue, with the Dallas News going so far as to say, “As long as Miss America requires contestants to look good in an evening gown while strutting in high-heeled dress shoes, it’s unlikely women in the United States will achieve gender equity.”

The reports were characterized by a sense of celebration, recognition of a positive societal evolution. There was a sense that the days of women being objectified were numbered, that women were now going to define for themselves feminine ideals. Miss America was showing the way, first by getting rid of misogynistic leaders and filling the organization's board with female leaders, and now by making sure that contestants would not be subjected to body shaming or leering audiences.

The changes in Miss America dominated the news this week were significant, but were not the most important story impacting the rights of women in America. The biggest news came from a minimally reported public opinion poll. The Gallup organization this week announced survey results that should give pause to all who think our nation is making progress in its attitudes about women.

Gallup asked respondents a simple question, “Is pornography morally acceptable?” The findings were devastating. 67% of men between the ages of 18-49 and 43% of all respondents said, “Yes.” This was not “yes” to bikinis or “yes” to nudity of the type seen in Game of Thrones. This was not “Yes” to the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition or airbrushed poses for Playboy. This is “yes” to explicit sex acts, the most degrading material possible.

It is important to note that the question was not about legality, Gallup did not ask about what should be allowable or tolerated in a free society. They specifically used the word "moral." Morality refers to the rightness of a thing, or to put it another way, to the absence of wrongness in a thing. We have reached the point where two-thirds of young to middle-aged men believe there is nothing at all wrong with them gaining pleasure by watching women perform sexual acts with other men.

What does it say about a nation that celebrates banning modest swimwear on television while at  the same time finds it acceptable to broadcast graphic sexual acts over the internet for everyone to see?

It says that America has no sense of morality at all. 

Naked in College

Letitia Chai giving her thesis presentation at Cornell. from Facebook

There’s an old saying about how one can overcome anxiety when speaking in public, “Imagine your audience in their underwear.” I speak in public often but have never resorted to this tactic (perhaps because most of my presentations are done in church and such thoughts would be inappropriate.) This last week a student at Cornell University went the opposite direction. She gave her thesis presentation wearing only her underwear and asked the audience to join her.

The story is that Letitia Chai, the aforementioned student, was about to give a practice presentation of her thesis in the class “Acting in Public: Performance in Everyday Life”. As she was preparing to deliver her talk the professor commented on her attire (she was wearing very short cut-off denim shorts) and asked if that was what she was planning on wearing for her final presentation. The question did not go over well.

Ms. Chai was taken aback and offended at the perceived criticism of her appearance. She took particular umbrage at her teacher’s suggestion that her appearance was making a statement that might detract from the points Ms. Chai was trying to make. Ms. Chai stormed out of the class. A few minutes later she returned to the room and took her spot in front of the class, wearing only her bra and underwear. She later wrote how proud she was that she had stood up for “every person who has been asked to change how they look to make other people feel comfortable.”

Her story resonates with me for I had a similar conversation with a female medical student a few years ago. The student, by far one of the best I have ever taught, showed up to the office in a tight fitting blue cotton t-shirt along with white denim pants and a matching blue belt. The outfit was undeniably “cute” but it looked like something a young college student would wear on a date. It was not what would I considered professional attire. I pointed this out to her.

“You are a young woman,” I told her, “and you are asking people to trust you with their lives. Look the part.” I told her it would be easier for people to take her seriously if she was dressed seriously and that when she came to my office to see my patients I wanted her to dress as if she was interviewing for a professional position.

To her credit she received the feedback in the spirit is was given. Each day thereafter she wore either a dress or slacks and blouse. She oozed professionalism and carried herself with class. While nothing about her knowledge or skill set had changed, the perception others had of her did. It was a growth experience for her.

Over the years I have had similar conversations with other students, employees and even my children. My message is always the same. Like it our not, what we wear sends a message. Our jobs get easier when the message sent by our appearance aligns with what we hope to communicate. If we want people to think we are professional, we should dress professionally. As a physician I want to do everything I can to convince people I know what I am talking about, I do not want to give them any reason to dismiss what I say. Unlike Ms. Chai, I intentionally change my look in order to make other people feel comfortable. I do this because they are more important than I am.

This is true in every area of my life. When I give advice to a patient, it is the patient’s understanding that matters. When I deliver a sermon in church, the intent is for the audience to receive what I am saying. When I am called to the hospital to meet with a family about end of life care, it is important they believe I am an expert in the ethical issues we discuss. In each of these settings I choose my wardrobe carefully. I always where a dress shirt and tie in the office, always wear a collared shirt in church and always wear a conservative suit when I meet with families. Communication is never easy; there is no reason to make it more difficult by dressing inappropriately.

It appears this is a life lesson Ms. Chai has yet to learn. 

- Bart

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The Wealth of a Poor Young Man

Money was tight. He had left a job that met his financial needs because there was no opportunity for advancement, and instead took a job with the promise of a future, getting hired on as an apprentice electrician. Sadly, the contractor’s promises of work proved empty and within a month he found himself working only a few days a week and struggling to make ends meet. To make matters worse the physical nature of the job caused an old back injury flared. He was left wondering if his body would be able to tolerate the demands of an electrical career. Injured backs and pulling cable through tight spaces don't mix.

He is only 27, he has very little money and an uncertain future, yet he is one of the most impressive young men I have met. He is poor, but he has something most men lack. He has values. He is looking not for material wealth or pleasure, but for a job that will one day provide for his family. The mere fact that he wants a family to provide for is unique among men his age. He has no interest in casual sex or one night stands. He is looking for commitment, for a woman to marry.

In spite of his financial challenges he talks little about the things he lacks, or about things he wants to do our buy. He prefers to talk about the people he loves and cares about. Relationships matter to him, and he speaks proudly of his younger brother and his mother and what they mean to him. He is poor but still thinks of the needs of others. He recently moved into a new apartment, and when his parents offered to buy him a new living room set he refused to consider expensive furniture. He walked out of the high priced store store they had taken him to and chose instead to go to a discount store. He did not want them to waste money.

He is a man of faith. He is active in his church, and the ability to have Sundays off was a major factor in his decision to change jobs. He has meaningful relationships with people in the church and participates in a small group every Thursday night.

He has had a difficult life but he is not bitter. His father died of leukemia 7 years ago, a loss that could have made him angry at God and the world. His faith remains strong and his belief in the goodness of God has endured. He has embraced his mother’s new husband, rejoicing in her happiness and welcoming the man into his life.

He is a former patient who has become a friend, and we get together every once in a while over breakfast. When we talk I often think of the many other men his age I have met over the years, men with better pedigrees, engineers, lawyers, medical students and other professionals. So many of them are chasing wealth, prestige and pleasure. Although he is less successful in a worldly sense he stands out for the things he has that others lack- purpose, peace, and character. He is rich in the things that matter, a reminder that there are still good young men in this world.

- Bart

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