The Beauty of Intimacy. Adultery Part 4

As harmful to the soul and psyche as premarital relations are, they pale in comparison to the damage of adultery. Adultery takes emotional havoc to an entirely different level. When someone has sex outside of a marriage, it is a betrayal of trust and intimacy unlike any other. When the marital bond of oneness comes undone, the consequences to families, children, and individuals are incredibly severe. When we understand the terrible damage done it is easy to understand why God included the prohibition against adultery in His Ten Commandments. It is exceptionally important.

Adultery’s damage can best be understood in the context of the beauty that God intended for marital intimacy. The more beautiful the object that is damaged the more tragic the loss. Graffiti on a bridge overpass is ugly; graffiti on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel is a catastrophe. All immorality is wrong and sinful, but when the masterpiece that is God’s plan for marital purity is ruined by the stain of adultery it isn’t just wrong, it’s a tragedy. The greatness of the tragedy of adultery, the violation of the marriage covenant, is profound evidence of the beauty God intended for marriage. Conversations with people who have known no other partner apart from their spouse confirm the beauty intended by God.

This exquisite quality is evident in the attitude towards sex I have seen in faithful men. The sexual desires in men who have only been with their wives are not merely desires for sexual release or for a physical act. There is much more to it than the mere pursuit of pleasure; faithful men desire their wives. They don’t want to be with just any woman; they want to be with the woman God gave them. This directed desire creates a powerful bond of attachment. When these men think about sex, they think about their wives, as they have no other frame of reference. This passion for their wives is intensely personal and private. By default their wives become their sexual ideal. This is truly a wonderful thing.

The strong attachment that results from undiluted intimacy has additional benefits beyond physical union. When a man’s wife is truly his and a woman’s husband is truly hers it gives rise to strong nurturing and protective emotions. As years of faithfulness accumulate, the emotion grows. I have seen this in my own marriage. I can honestly say that after twenty-six years of marriage my love for and connection to my wife has grown with every passing day. Love truly blooms with faithfulness over time. As clichéd as it may be, our relationship is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced.

Country singer John Berry echoes my feelings in his song, “Your Love Amazes Me”: 

I’ve seen the seven wonders of the world, 

I’ve seen the beauty of diamonds and pearls

But they mean nothing baby Your love amazes me

I’ve seen a sunset that would make you cry

And colors of the rainbow, reaching across the sky

The moon in all its phases, Your love amazes me

It was, is, and always will be God’s desire that one man and one woman share such a bond. This physical and emotional bond of unity is the foundation of marriage and, by extension, the foundation of the family.

- Bart

Thanks for reading, and a special thanks who share these posts with their friends. This post is the 4th in an eight part series on adultery taken from my book, Life Medicine. The book is available through this site and on Amazon.com. A small group study guide can be accessed through this site as well. I am in the process of uploading a video series on the book to my vimeo page, www.vimeo.com/bartbarrett

Sex, Marriage and Waiting. Adultery Part 3

I have seen in my medical practice the emotional pain that results from broken sexual relationships. The damage I have observed supports the idea that the sexual bond is exclusively designed for marriage. The oneness of flesh created by a sexual union is meant to endure. When couples break the bond much harm is done. 

I have seen many young people troubled with the intense emotional pain brought on by the loss of a girlfriend or boyfriend who had been their first sexual partner. When they are mature enough to be able to express themselves they have told me of the profound sense of loss. Deep sadness came when they realized that they had given away something they had hoped to share with their life’s one true love. Many times they had given themselves away in the belief that they had found their soul mate, only to discover they had lost something they could never get back. 

One particular young lady comes to mind. I can recall the visit when she shared her grief. Then twenty-one, she had just been dumped by her boyfriend of the previous five years. He had been her first and only sexual relationship. To her, that was something special. She had thought that he was her life mate, her future husband; yet now that was clearly not to be. She felt used, shamed, and less womanly. She thought she was damaged and less attractive to other men. She had fallen into a major depression that was worsened by an associated anxiety disorder. She required significant doses of medication just to function each day. 

The medication helped her get through each day, but it did not deaden the emotional pain she was suffering. Her emotional pain left her with two choices. She could acknowledge the truth that she had made a serious error in giving herself to her boyfriend, or she could tell herself that sexual relationships were normal when dating and therefore no cause for shame. She knew the truth and was struggling with its ramifications. She had made a grave mistake, one that could be forgiven yet never undone. 

This young woman’s loss illustrates the seriousness of sexual immorality prior to marriage. When people give themselves away before marriage, their future marriage loses a degree of intimacy. A secret told to many people isn’t really a secret, and when the most intimate act known to mankind is shared with many people, it loses some of its power. I have seen many promiscuous individuals who were later unable to sustain intimate relationships. The powerful bond intended by God was so weakened by casual sex that it appeared lost forever. Waiting is important!

- Bart

This is the third of an 8-part weekly series on Adultery and Faithfulness taken from my book on the 10 Commandments, Life Medicine. You can have the future posts delivered straight to you email inbox by subscribing to the blog, just click on the link. I am currently teaching through the book at a church in Fullerton. Videos of the lessons are available at my vimeo page, www.vimeo.com/bartbarrett . 

Helping our Children Make Good Choices

All good parents share a common trait. We worry. We worry about what our kids might do and what they won’t do, about what they will be and who they will be with. We worry about the types of people they will be and the choices they will make. “Make good choices!” is a near universal parental admonition. But what are good choices and how do we make them?

This question came to mind recently as a chatted with a long term patient at the end of the visit. He was the last appointment of the morning so I had to time to chat at the end of the visit and ask how his children were doing. They were both at the edge of adulthood and he talked about his desire that they do well in life. I knew he had put effort into being a good father and had tried to give his children wise counsel. He told me that the words, “make good choices” had crossed his lips on many occasions.

I talked about parenting my own children (both who have reached adulthood) and how I had given them similar counsel over the years. One difference between us was that as a result of our faith our family shared an understanding of what good choices were. Right and wrong were not defined in the heat of the moment nor dependent on the particular circumstances in which we found ourselves. Right and wrong, for our family, have been consistently defined according to scripture.

Right and wrong were also regularly discussed in our home. My wife and I long ago took to heart the words of Moses in Deuteronomy 6 when he told the people of Israel that God’s word and the principles therein were to be discussed and applied as an ongoing part of daily life. Discussions of truth, of what was right and wrong, were common and made their way into conversations at dinner, while waiting in lines at Disneyland, on car trips and during walks in the park. The result was that when faced with moral decisions our children did not struggle to determine what the right path was. It was something that they already knew and understood.

Families like ours are increasingly rare. In American culture people have moved away from the moral clarity of scripture to the moral relativism of secular humanism. While definitions of right and wrong were once commonly understood and rarely questions they are now subjective, momentary, individual and abstract. The result is a generation of children who lack a moral compass and who define rightness not according to an enduring standard but as feeling good about something at a particular moment in time. In the absence of a defined standard "making good choices" becomes impossible.

We do best as parents when we not only encourage our children to do right but teach them what rightness is and from whence it comes. When our children understand these truths making good choices can become a reality.

-          Bart

Thanks for reading! Comments and questions are welcomed. Remember to share the blog with friends and that you can subscribe to the blog to have posts delivered by email, including the next post, part 2 in a series on adultery, Marriage Matters, Cheating Destroys

Top 10 Mistakes Parents Make with their teens

Parenting teens is hard and not every parent succeeds. Here is my list of the top 10 mistakes I have seen parents make.

10- Thinking they are almost done parenting

Some parents see adulthood as the finish line. The closer their children get to 18 the less guidance they offer. We live in a world filled with temptation, which only increase in college. Our children often need more time and guidance when they are older. Good parents spend the time.

9- Arguing with their teenager

People who argue with their bosses get fired. Learning to control your emotions and to submit to authority when you don’t agree are priceless life skills. Losing our temper or debating with an adolescent teaches all the wrong lessons. Set rules for disagreement early. Let your children have an opportunity to respectfully disagree and express themselves but enforce consequences when they do not accept your decisions.

8- Skipping family dinners

The importance of sharing dinner and conversation cannot be overstated. Have everyone put their phones away, turn off the TV and review the day.

7-Emphasizing college prep over life prep

Character is more important than education and relationships are more important than academic success. I went to community college for two years and took 5 years to get a bachelor’s degree. I came out okay. My son started at community college and was in the top third of his law school class at UCLA. Too many families sacrifice too much for the pursuit of a better school. It is almost never worth it.

6- Telling instead of parenting

Many parents tell their children not to drink, do drugs or have sex. Very few talk to their children about what to do when friends drink or use, or how to construct their lives in a moral fashion. Telling takes minutes. Parenting takes a lifetime.

5- Not hanging out with their kids.

Healthy families do things together. Good parents look for opportunities to spend time with their children instead of opportunities to get away from them. Date nights with a spouse are important, date nights with your kids can be priceless.

4- Modeling materialism

When we always have to have the best and latest we teach our children that happiness is dependent on things. Doing without, and telling our kids why, can be a powerful teacher.

3- Not teaching how to handle money

We live in a very expensive world. Our teens often have no idea of how much living costs. If our kids do not know the cost of a mortgage, car payments and insurance, food and utilities, how will they be able to choose a career path? Good parents teach their children how to spend, how to save and the importance of avoiding debt.

2- Not monitoring media

We live in a perverted and dangerous world. Parents who do not follow their children on social media, and who do not know the shows and movies their kids watch or the music they listen too are not doing their job. Once innocence is lost it is gone forever.

1- Trusting their teenager.

Wise parents do not trust their teenage children. They know where they are, what they are doing and who they are doing it with. Since we were all teens once ourselves we should know the trouble that awaits those kids who lack parental oversight.

-          Bart

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The Search for Peace

She was tired. After years of being overlooked, patronized and ignored she had reached the breaking point. She didn’t believe in divorce but she couldn't bear the thought of living forever with a man who did not seem to respect or love her. She knew the Bible talked about husbands loving their wives as Christ loved the church and she longed for this from her husband. He had promised her this love many times but the promises were empty, his behavior never changed. Her life was in turmoil and her home was in constant conflict. She wanted peace. She hadn’t felt it in so long.

She finally decided that enough was enough. She was done. She told her husband that their marriage was over, that she was leaving. As the words left her mouth she felt something she had not felt in a long time, peace. She felt calm, even a sense of hope. In that peace and calmness she felt as if God was confirming her decision, that she had finally found what she was looking for.

She was wrong. She felt peace and calm but it was not from God. Like so many others in similarly difficult circumstances she fundamentally misunderstood the Biblical concept of peace.

When people define peace they typically think in terms of life circumstances or mental state. We think of peace as the absence of conflict or as a state of mental calm. We agree with the dictionary.com definition: “freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety; tranquility; serenity.” When stress is absent, peace exists.

When we seek this type of peace we will be tempted to leave stressful circumstances, to avoid conflict and to walk away from difficult relationships. When we do walk away we will, for a while, feel a sense of relief. But is that peace? Is this what God wants for us?

In seeking to understand the peace that God brings it is wise to see how He describes it. Just before He was crucified, Jesus promised peace to His followers-

 “Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you.” John 14:27

He was describing a peace that was different from the peace given by the world, both in its permanence and essence. It is helpful to remember the events that followed Jesus’ words. Within hours Jesus was arrested and His followers were scattered. 6 weeks later, after His resurrection, some of His followers were arrested and beaten for their faith. Within a short time these same disciples were being put to death as religious outlaws. Not exactly how people typically define peace!

The Apostle Paul later wrote that we should not be anxious, but that we should instead pray, and that the result would be that “the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Paul says that God’s peace surpasses all comprehension. The peace that people feel when they leave a difficult relationship, avoid a problem or walk away from a challenge is not beyond comprehension, it is perfectly understandable. It is not a stretch then to say that if the peace experienced is  predictable and understandable, it may not be from God. It definitely should not be cited as confirmation of God’s will!

My prayer for the woman in the difficult marriage is that she will learn to seek the peace of God. A peace that results not from the absence of difficulty in life but rather a peace that sustains in the midst of our difficulties. God’s peace comes from our relationship with Him, not from our relationships with others. God’s peace comes from doing the right and difficult things, in knowing that our lives please Him. This peace is not dependent in any way on  circumstances, which means it is available to everyone in every moment.

-          Bart

Lacking peace? Under stress? I would love to pray for you. Feel free to send me a message through the contact page on this site. Know someone who needs to hear these words? Click the share button to share the post with others. You can have posts delivered to your inbox by subscribing to the blog, or follow me on twitter@bartbarrettmd.